So hey people that might happen to catch my blog … this one is probably gonna be fairly long and/or a two-parter. Or at least, that’s what my hands are telling me right now as the words just keep flowing out before I can even think about what I’m gonna say next.
Normally I title my chapter before I even think about typing anything else but tonight nothing really came to mind other than “just write, AnnaLily. Just write.” I’m actually currently on the phone with a long-time friend that I’m trying to figure things out with and I feel kind of bad because I’m honestly barely paying attention to everything else going on in this world outside of my keyboard and the words on the screen. Oops.
That was a major run-on sentence, BUT OH WELL. That’s just kind of how my brain is working right now because I’m still just trying to process everything that’s going on in the rest of my world. It’s almost as if my body and my brain are on different wavelengths. I want to just relax and take things slow and let the world come and go but my head just won’t stop running through everything else in the world and my heart is pounding faster than I’d like.
Even though I’m very open and “out” with my mental illnesses, the people I associate with most are still constantly taken aback when I’m not the cheerful & happy person in a situation. “What do you mean you’re not in a good mood? But you’re always so happy.” I always respond with: “I just mean I don’t feel good.” Because being physically sick is more acceptable and understandable than being emotionally ill.
Even though my friends all know that I deal with bipolar … and anxiety … and borderline personality… oh and depression (i know, its a lot… and yes, I really do have all of these things) it’s still just easier for me to excuse all of it as a “stomach problem” or a “migraine.”
Because even though I trust my friends to not judge me for my issues, it’s a natural reaction for humans to respond with pity and affection when someone else is sad. Except, with me, it’s not just being sad.
How am I supposed to explain that just because I was in a great mood five minutes ago it doesn’t mean that I’m any less sad than I was when I couldn’t bring myself to roll out of the bed this morning?
How am I supposed to explain that, no, I do not want to watch a new movie, but yes, I will watch a movie that I just watched three days ago? Am I allowed to say: ‘because right now, in this moment, I would just very much like to know that everything is okay for the next 105 minutes and I don’t have to question anything else in this world.’?
How am I supposed to explain that, yes, I did sleep 12 hours today but that doesn’t mean that I’m not still tired and want to sleep for 12 more because- no, I’m not just tired; I am exhausted because I’m continuously fighting with myself over wanting to live but still not wanting to be alive: because they are not the same damned thing, is exhausting.
Even in my own mental-illness community, I’m pushed aside because “you can’t have bipolar disorder and borderline personality. You just want attention.” Yes, that is actually a thing multiple people have said to me. Hell, people in my own family have even said I’m “acting out” because I want the attention. EVEN THOUGH THEY WERE THERE FOR THE DIAGNOSIS.
Are you fucking kidding me?! Like… Seriously? Trust me. If I wanted the attention, I would not be talking about how I’m terrified to go to sleep because I’m not even safe from my own thoughts there. The fact that I dream of suicide and over-dosing most nights of my life only to follow up with waking up to a body that I can’t control enough to stop the shaking and crying is not something I’m proud of.
Yes, I can and DO in fact have all four of these mental illnesses, and guess what, I even have PTSD on top of that. Whaaat? I know. Crazy that humans are multi-faceted beings in this crazy judgemental stigmatised world. But, since people in the community can’t even seem to comprehend it, I’ll spell it out for the whole world to read.
Bipolar disorder- a mental disorder, affects my mood and energy whereas borderline personality disorder (BPD)- an emotional disorder, affects my personality and relationships. What that means is that because I’m bipolar, I occasionally have mood swings that are uncharacteristic, yet having BPD is constant and present at all times. PTSD is commonly associated with both illnesses because it’s based on perspective and emotions are known to skew reality, causing an abundance of “triggers.”
Having depression and anxiety on top of three already difficult disorders? Well, let’s just say, there’s not a day that my head and heart aren’t at war with one another. My old therapist was constantly trying to get me to explain what I was feeling, but I’ve never really been good at that.
I can explain why I’m feeling whatever it is that I’m feeling, but the emotion itself has always been enigmatic, well, at least… to me. When I try to describe my feelings, my body shuts down and my heart feels like it’s going to implode because I just can’t make sense of the feelings themselves.
Honestly, (and I know this is going to seem ridiculous,) part of me can’t comprehend the feelings because I just feel so many of them and even though I know I can recall what made me feel a specific way, I can’t rationalise it and then I feel guilty.
But I recently found out that part of the reason I feel guilty for feeling these feelings is that I have borderline personality and it causes my heightened emotions to take on a form of responsibility even when it doesn’t involve me specifically.
I’ve always encouraged others to feel their feelings because they’re there whether you want them to be or not.
But now… I’m having to learn for myself that feelings can’t be right or wrong. They just are.